DEC 17, 2009

So yea, basically a week till X-mas. I have to move back in with my parents, which does mean I will be able to gain actively again because I will have a lot of food. Umm...I don't really know what else to put, so this post is going to be quite small.

The holidays are here, what the best gift you guys know/think you will be getting for the holidays this year?

Mine is a new laptop =D

What's yours?

DEC 05, 2009

Just when I thought I had hit rock bottom with my parents, I manage to fall even further. Last night I was out driving and I get pulled over for expired registration. I was pretty bummed out until they said that they were going to have my truck towed. Oh NO! They couldn't just say go back home and stay off the road till then; no...they tow my truck. They also had to have 3 officers there for some reason, and they were asking me if I had any illegal substances or weapons in my truck. I've never seen a cop ask that kind of question before for a simple pull over. It was pretty obvious they were out for some fucking blood because:
1) It was Friday night after the football championship game,
2) 10:1 the home team lost, and
3) They were upset about it.

So yea basically FML right now. FML! x.x

DEC 03, 2009

So...lately I've been rather down.I didn't really want to post this, but I want to hear what you guys have to say and what you think. I told my mom about my boyfriend; yes I am gay; and she responded just as I predicted. She told me I was just confused and that I didn't even know what I wanted. I told her because I thought she would understand. What's most baffling is that she says that she doesn't care; yet she tells me I don't know what the fuck I want. She told me, "Well how do you know you're gay if you have never had a girlfriend?" I've had two; one back in the 8th grade and one my senior year. Both of them gave me the same feeling I get from cereal. Yet I told her that my boyfriend makes me feel good, happy, and free. When I was around my girlfriend my senior year I told myself I was Bi since my Sophmore year of High School. So, when I was around her, I always felt uncomfortable and "fake." We broke up, then I found my boyfriend my freshman year of college and "sparks flew." I've never been happier, until I told my mom, and now I'm essentially in this spiraling depression. I've been feeling negative emotions lately. I don't know how to handle this because my mom is the first person that I've told, besides my closest friend and obviously my boyfriend. Whenever I get like this I end up writing a piece of poetry. This is what it was:

Downpour

I stand here, the water pouring down onto me.
The constant noise of an extremely fast heart beat and static of the TV.
My head drenched to the scalp; leaned back
The weight of my wet hair felt like a heavy burden
Is it so simple as to just get out of the water?
In the end I open my eyes.
It hurts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and that one isn't even that bad compared to this one.

YOU

A small glimmer of light appears before me,
I reach forward,
crawl towards it.
Only to find that it becomes bigger,
more brilliant.
I begin to feel this weight lifted off of me.
I smile as the light shines in my face.
Then you appear.
You stand in front of me,
Tell me everything is alright.
You lie to me and say I was heading towards darkness.
I look around and see only darkness around me.
I say "I don't want to be here."
You reply "You're just confused."
You plant your foot on me
the weight heavier than before.
I can feel as if my soul had been crushed.
You disappear and I can barely lift myself now.
The glimmer of light disappears,
and now...I lay here
In this darkness of which you kept me,
Doomed to lay here,
In this darkness with only a small flicker of fire by my side.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So yea, I'm not in the best of mental conditions. All last night I was sitting here at my PC feeling like absolute shit. Even when my roomies are in the room; I just felt like...crying. I eventually went out into my truck and lit a candle and curled up in a ball. I sat in there for 40 minutes doing nothing. Then I came back in, got under my blanket here at my PC and sat here for about an hour or two trying to cheer myself up, before calling it a night and going to bed.


So a quick recap...I'm gay, I told my mom, essentially got spat on by my mother, and am basically depressed. The only joy in my life right now is my boyfriend. IDK what I would do if I were to lose him. Hopefully my mom understands that she doesn't know what I want, only I do. If I were to lose him, FML. Whatever, I gotta go get ready for class now, so I gotta cut off here.

As for gaining it's been the same as the last few posts. Nothing new.

Thanks for reading.

Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving everybody! Even though I'm writing this a little over an hour past midnight that day after Thanksgiving, but anyways; I hope everyone had a great thanksgiving with lots of Turkey.

So to start things off I really want to get this off my chest. My Thanksgiving was a bust. I'm going to spare you on the details; so basically my parents fought before dinner and my drunk mother did her infamous 50 mood changes per 30 minutes. x.x The food was great and I got quite the bit of leftovers to bring back with me; so tomorrow/today should have a bit more to it. Aside from the failed Thanksgiving, I went to see my love because I told them about what happened. I got permission from their mom to come hang out, and so I did. It really cheered me up, but before I went over I was showering and I felt a piece of poetry coming so I memorized it as best as I could and I put it up online. here it is for anyone who is interested:

Downpour
I stand here, the water pouring down onto me.
The constant noise of an extremely fast heart beat and static on the TV.
My head drenched to the scalp; leaned back
The weight of my wet hair felt like a heavy burden
Is it so simple as to just get out of the water?
In the end I open my eyes.
It hurts.

Anyways I'm still around 155 and hanging on as best as I can. Hopefully once I get a donation/job I can start affording to eat out every night and maybe put back on the weight that I lost and more.

Oh well, until next time readers,
Yteuc (Adios)

Nov 23, 2009

Ok so things are getting down to the nitty-gritty for me. Job hunting still sucks ass. Applied to over 25 places this past week, all through emailing them about jobs THEY posted on craigslist.com. I have yet to hear back from ANY of them.

Gaining-wise I've managed to stop at 155, but I really do want to go back up. Well hopefully things will look up later this month or next month.

OCT 30, 2009

Hello everyone,
Sorry for the extremely long update. Times have been a bit rough, and other times have been really great. So...where to begin...where to begin. Hmm...

I guess I'll start with my life. About one month ago I have found someone whom I love to death. <3 I'm very happy to be with them, and we do very well togethre, but when apart we do very bad. HAHAHA! Anyways college has been great. I only have 2 classes, but 7 credits which is a good start for me being late in the running for classes. I'm taking CIE 25; Personal Computer Confiuration and Repair; and CS 21; Game Development. CIE 25 is really fun! Taking PCs apart, messing with the motherboard and components, running through all of the BIOS and CMOS configuration. Good times. XD As for CS 21 things are going to be a bit hectic. I am in charge of about 50% of the things needed for my group's game. Mostly artwork and other misc. things. Anyways I'll post a link to the game once it's all complete. As for life at the apartment, things are going well. My roomies have started playing WoW and I couldn't resist but to start up my old account. Oh well XD In other news I'm hurting for money. x_x This ties into the gaining portion which I will get into in a minute. I'm on a strict "save money" policy because I have to pay rent and buy food and other things because I don't have work. I'll probably ask my roomie to see if his dad, whom he is also working for, needs another helping hand. Hopefully that goes through, or the job that I interviewed for calls saying I can show up for work. bleh x.x

Gaining related things are looking dim. I've tumbled downhill and can't get up. I've dropped all the way to 150 x.x THAT'S OVER 20LBS SINCE MOVING OUT, and with the way I am financially I can't afford to stuff myself and get going up the hill right now. It's very upsetting. I still want to reach 190, but I just can't do it without help. If I get this job I can probably start slowly...very slowly...working my way up, but it's so hard right now. I'm shriveling away. ALSO if I do work with my roomie, it's digging holes. In other words burning calories and losing even more weight. NO ME GUSTA!!!

Anyways, that's all I can write about right now since my other roomie is due back any minute. Eat up, for me, everyone.

Thanks for reading.

AUG 23, 2009

Ok well I have recently taken notice to someone in my life. However, what makes it so difficult is that this person is one of my roommates. IDK how they feel or if they even like me, and I can't be blunt about it and ask. Hopefully things will work out, and I can find out if they like me or not.

On the gaining scene, I've put on a little bit of weight but the scales still read 170/171. I talked to my main encourager and he might be coming to on a ski visit and we'll hang out together. And with the buffet near by me, we will see how stuffed I can get, and this will happen hopefully 1-2 times per day for about 5 days. That's 10 stuffing! O.O Hello 5lbs? Would be nice :D However, I am thinking that the stuffings should be so much that each time we go back for one I can eat more and more each time. :D A great time indeed.

Thanks for reading
-Justin