DEC 03, 2009

So...lately I've been rather down.I didn't really want to post this, but I want to hear what you guys have to say and what you think. I told my mom about my boyfriend; yes I am gay; and she responded just as I predicted. She told me I was just confused and that I didn't even know what I wanted. I told her because I thought she would understand. What's most baffling is that she says that she doesn't care; yet she tells me I don't know what the fuck I want. She told me, "Well how do you know you're gay if you have never had a girlfriend?" I've had two; one back in the 8th grade and one my senior year. Both of them gave me the same feeling I get from cereal. Yet I told her that my boyfriend makes me feel good, happy, and free. When I was around my girlfriend my senior year I told myself I was Bi since my Sophmore year of High School. So, when I was around her, I always felt uncomfortable and "fake." We broke up, then I found my boyfriend my freshman year of college and "sparks flew." I've never been happier, until I told my mom, and now I'm essentially in this spiraling depression. I've been feeling negative emotions lately. I don't know how to handle this because my mom is the first person that I've told, besides my closest friend and obviously my boyfriend. Whenever I get like this I end up writing a piece of poetry. This is what it was:

Downpour

I stand here, the water pouring down onto me.
The constant noise of an extremely fast heart beat and static of the TV.
My head drenched to the scalp; leaned back
The weight of my wet hair felt like a heavy burden
Is it so simple as to just get out of the water?
In the end I open my eyes.
It hurts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and that one isn't even that bad compared to this one.

YOU

A small glimmer of light appears before me,
I reach forward,
crawl towards it.
Only to find that it becomes bigger,
more brilliant.
I begin to feel this weight lifted off of me.
I smile as the light shines in my face.
Then you appear.
You stand in front of me,
Tell me everything is alright.
You lie to me and say I was heading towards darkness.
I look around and see only darkness around me.
I say "I don't want to be here."
You reply "You're just confused."
You plant your foot on me
the weight heavier than before.
I can feel as if my soul had been crushed.
You disappear and I can barely lift myself now.
The glimmer of light disappears,
and now...I lay here
In this darkness of which you kept me,
Doomed to lay here,
In this darkness with only a small flicker of fire by my side.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So yea, I'm not in the best of mental conditions. All last night I was sitting here at my PC feeling like absolute shit. Even when my roomies are in the room; I just felt like...crying. I eventually went out into my truck and lit a candle and curled up in a ball. I sat in there for 40 minutes doing nothing. Then I came back in, got under my blanket here at my PC and sat here for about an hour or two trying to cheer myself up, before calling it a night and going to bed.


So a quick recap...I'm gay, I told my mom, essentially got spat on by my mother, and am basically depressed. The only joy in my life right now is my boyfriend. IDK what I would do if I were to lose him. Hopefully my mom understands that she doesn't know what I want, only I do. If I were to lose him, FML. Whatever, I gotta go get ready for class now, so I gotta cut off here.

As for gaining it's been the same as the last few posts. Nothing new.

Thanks for reading.