End of JAN plans

So...I'm finally getting past the tears of my break up, and now it's kind of settle as a bit of depression when I think about him; but I've got some things to look forward to when JAN reaches its end.

There are two possibilities to how it will play out.

1) I head out to San Francisco and stay in a hotel room with a very very special friend of mine. Then go to an anime convention with him the next day.

or

2) Me and my very very special friend get a hotel room half way between us. We will do things, then spend the night in a hotel together.

As for gaining I'm trying to get back into it. It'll be difficult getting back up my weight. Any encouragement and help is greatly appreciated. I checked my weight on an empty stomach and it was 154. Please help me out.

A poem

I just wrote this poem. When I get like this I tend to create some good poetry, but I feel like garbage while writing it. Here is one that I just wrote.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alone

I sit here alone,

in my tears,

I hear nothing,

nothing at all,

crying out loud,

no one to hear

my cry for help

my crying soul

You have a friend,

a helping shoulder,

A caring friend,

A caring soul

You feel much better,

you feel so happy,

You cheer up,

and go on laughing.

I sit here,

All alone,

No one but me,

I'm alone.

Jan 9, 2010

Just as I feared x.x

JAN 8, 2010

Hello everyone that is reading. For this post I'd appreciate it if you could all show some sort of support. I'm going through a rough time in both gaining and life, relationship-wise.

To start off, I have been very very worried because my BF called me and wants to talk to me face-to-face tomorrow. His tone was sad and upset sounding, and I fear the worst may be coming. My gut tells me that tomorrow may be the end of our relationship. ='( If it is I can tell you all that I'm going to be very very upset, almost depressed if you would. I really love him and we had a talk similar a few weeks ago where we said that we would take small steps to recovering our relationship. He claimed that we had "lost our spark," and it's because we don't ever go into deep conversations. I can not hold conversations because I run out of things to say and talk about. If I am able to hold a conversation, I don't want to rant because then I feel as if I'm boring him. So tomorrow I'll see what happens. I just hope that what I am fearing is just my imagination getting the better of me. I really do x.x I may be a strong Aries, but I could hardly say I am a ram, I'm more of a sheep.

As for gaining, I can't seem to get into the mindset for it. Because of what is going on in my life, revolving around my worries for tomorrow and my mom's disapproval of me having a BF, I just can't seem to want to gain. And if things transpire as my mind sees it; I lose my BF; who knows what will happen to gaining...and me psychologically and emotionally. (However, I won't go off the deep end for thing like suicide and all that. I'll probably just be in a deep depression.) So if I do drop of the gaining radar, mainly my blog here and IMs (or if I don't reply on my IMs) then you probably know why.

Well, hopefully things go well, and I'm worrying for nothing.

Thanks for reading.

DEC 24, 2009

Well, yesterday was a bit of a frightening day. I went to hang out with my BF and play games at his friend's house. Before it got dark we went to a haunted mental institute, but decided not to go in because of the electric wire, barbed wire fence, the "No trespassing" sign, and our guts. On our way out a truck pulled up the driveway and asked us what we were doing. It was a group of 8 of us; and we gave him a BS answer before leaving. As we got into the cars we saw him stop and stay put for a while before taking off. OMG! x.x

Afterwards, me and my BF left around 5:40, and went back to his house to exchange X-Mas gifts. I got his a series of candles. Red, Green, and White; in ascending order. I was tempted to leave a few cliche notes in them. WHITE represents Purity; GREEN represents prosperity; and RED represents passion/love. So yea, "Pure, prosperous, passion." The three Ps =P I also gave him my webcam so when I get my laptop we can cam together, when we aren't with each other. <3 he gave me new headphones for the ipod he gave me, some frankincense, and a note giving me one free date where I don't have to make any decisions. XD (because I'm a very indecisive person) Then I got his mom a new set of knives, and she got me an Aries Candle. It had a little pendant and everything.


Gaining segment is going to be really short. I've managed to put back on 1 lb; so 156 XD It's a step in the right direction.

DEC 21, 2009

First off I would like to say, Thank you all for the support you've shown me. IDK if you realize it or not; but it really means a lot to me knowing that there are strangers out there that don't even know me, beyond what I tell you, that care for me. So thank you all so very much.

Now to start off a bit of a repeat of last post. X-Mas is almost here. =D Which means...presents!!! The bad thing is that because of this damned recession, I only get one gift, which is a combination of all the money I would have basically received. I'm going to be owning an ~$500 Dell T4300 from Best Buy! =D It makes me a very happy panda because it beats my Desktop by 3 fold. I love it!!! It has Windows 7, which means I get to fiddle with the configuration on there >D A few months back my BF told me that he didn't want to do Christmas gifts. ...I did anyways. XD I got him a set of candles which are all different colors. Now the VERY VERY cheesie part XD Each color represents a different meaning. I gave him a White, followed by a green, ending with a red.

WHITE=purity
GREEN=prosperity
RED=passion

The 3 "P's." I wrapped each one individually and left a cheesie line in there corresponding to the color meaning. <3 I hope he gets a good giggle out of it <3 Me and him have been doing great. We saw each other last SAT and we watched movies and cuddled and such. I also got his mom a gift because she's been so sweet to me. I got her a set of Cutco knives that I had, since I used to work for them; but I hated doing sales. So yea, she and Connor both went out and got me something. <3 We will be seeing each other on either TUE or WED to exchange gifts. Once I am 100% certain that I will be getting this laptop for X-Mas I will have another gift for my BF. I'm going to give him my old webcam, since my laptop has one built in. This way we can see each other online whenever we want to. <3 <3 <3


On other news gaining has started off well. I've been trying to keep myself full these past couple of days. My capacity sure isn't what it used to be; however it's growing back to it's size quite rapidly. If I am lucky, my months of moving out have butchered my metabolism, making it extremely easy to gain. As I am typing this, now 1 AM where I live, I had a tall glass of whole milk and 5 cookies. Hope it helps XD

Not much more to say. I'll update later this month if anything happens worth sharing of I want to share what has happened.

On one last final note, I really kinda wish my BF would like to be my feeder; but I'm far to embarrassed to tell him about gaining. I mean, yes it would be excruciatingly HOT if he did; but I don't want to weird him out. I am tempted to ask if he'd help me put on some weight; but I doubt 30+ lbs counts as "some weight."

Anyways off to read stuffz on deviantart. I'll post again some time soon. Thanks again. ^.^



EDIT: I just thought I lost the ring my BF gave me and nearly had a heart attack x.x Turned out it was still around my neck x.x Fail

DEC 17, 2009

So yea, basically a week till X-mas. I have to move back in with my parents, which does mean I will be able to gain actively again because I will have a lot of food. Umm...I don't really know what else to put, so this post is going to be quite small.

The holidays are here, what the best gift you guys know/think you will be getting for the holidays this year?

Mine is a new laptop =D

What's yours?