DEC 03, 2009

So...lately I've been rather down.I didn't really want to post this, but I want to hear what you guys have to say and what you think. I told my mom about my boyfriend; yes I am gay; and she responded just as I predicted. She told me I was just confused and that I didn't even know what I wanted. I told her because I thought she would understand. What's most baffling is that she says that she doesn't care; yet she tells me I don't know what the fuck I want. She told me, "Well how do you know you're gay if you have never had a girlfriend?" I've had two; one back in the 8th grade and one my senior year. Both of them gave me the same feeling I get from cereal. Yet I told her that my boyfriend makes me feel good, happy, and free. When I was around my girlfriend my senior year I told myself I was Bi since my Sophmore year of High School. So, when I was around her, I always felt uncomfortable and "fake." We broke up, then I found my boyfriend my freshman year of college and "sparks flew." I've never been happier, until I told my mom, and now I'm essentially in this spiraling depression. I've been feeling negative emotions lately. I don't know how to handle this because my mom is the first person that I've told, besides my closest friend and obviously my boyfriend. Whenever I get like this I end up writing a piece of poetry. This is what it was:

Downpour

I stand here, the water pouring down onto me.
The constant noise of an extremely fast heart beat and static of the TV.
My head drenched to the scalp; leaned back
The weight of my wet hair felt like a heavy burden
Is it so simple as to just get out of the water?
In the end I open my eyes.
It hurts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and that one isn't even that bad compared to this one.

YOU

A small glimmer of light appears before me,
I reach forward,
crawl towards it.
Only to find that it becomes bigger,
more brilliant.
I begin to feel this weight lifted off of me.
I smile as the light shines in my face.
Then you appear.
You stand in front of me,
Tell me everything is alright.
You lie to me and say I was heading towards darkness.
I look around and see only darkness around me.
I say "I don't want to be here."
You reply "You're just confused."
You plant your foot on me
the weight heavier than before.
I can feel as if my soul had been crushed.
You disappear and I can barely lift myself now.
The glimmer of light disappears,
and now...I lay here
In this darkness of which you kept me,
Doomed to lay here,
In this darkness with only a small flicker of fire by my side.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So yea, I'm not in the best of mental conditions. All last night I was sitting here at my PC feeling like absolute shit. Even when my roomies are in the room; I just felt like...crying. I eventually went out into my truck and lit a candle and curled up in a ball. I sat in there for 40 minutes doing nothing. Then I came back in, got under my blanket here at my PC and sat here for about an hour or two trying to cheer myself up, before calling it a night and going to bed.


So a quick recap...I'm gay, I told my mom, essentially got spat on by my mother, and am basically depressed. The only joy in my life right now is my boyfriend. IDK what I would do if I were to lose him. Hopefully my mom understands that she doesn't know what I want, only I do. If I were to lose him, FML. Whatever, I gotta go get ready for class now, so I gotta cut off here.

As for gaining it's been the same as the last few posts. Nothing new.

Thanks for reading.

Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving everybody! Even though I'm writing this a little over an hour past midnight that day after Thanksgiving, but anyways; I hope everyone had a great thanksgiving with lots of Turkey.

So to start things off I really want to get this off my chest. My Thanksgiving was a bust. I'm going to spare you on the details; so basically my parents fought before dinner and my drunk mother did her infamous 50 mood changes per 30 minutes. x.x The food was great and I got quite the bit of leftovers to bring back with me; so tomorrow/today should have a bit more to it. Aside from the failed Thanksgiving, I went to see my love because I told them about what happened. I got permission from their mom to come hang out, and so I did. It really cheered me up, but before I went over I was showering and I felt a piece of poetry coming so I memorized it as best as I could and I put it up online. here it is for anyone who is interested:

Downpour
I stand here, the water pouring down onto me.
The constant noise of an extremely fast heart beat and static on the TV.
My head drenched to the scalp; leaned back
The weight of my wet hair felt like a heavy burden
Is it so simple as to just get out of the water?
In the end I open my eyes.
It hurts.

Anyways I'm still around 155 and hanging on as best as I can. Hopefully once I get a donation/job I can start affording to eat out every night and maybe put back on the weight that I lost and more.

Oh well, until next time readers,
Yteuc (Adios)

Nov 23, 2009

Ok so things are getting down to the nitty-gritty for me. Job hunting still sucks ass. Applied to over 25 places this past week, all through emailing them about jobs THEY posted on craigslist.com. I have yet to hear back from ANY of them.

Gaining-wise I've managed to stop at 155, but I really do want to go back up. Well hopefully things will look up later this month or next month.

OCT 30, 2009

Hello everyone,
Sorry for the extremely long update. Times have been a bit rough, and other times have been really great. So...where to begin...where to begin. Hmm...

I guess I'll start with my life. About one month ago I have found someone whom I love to death. <3 I'm very happy to be with them, and we do very well togethre, but when apart we do very bad. HAHAHA! Anyways college has been great. I only have 2 classes, but 7 credits which is a good start for me being late in the running for classes. I'm taking CIE 25; Personal Computer Confiuration and Repair; and CS 21; Game Development. CIE 25 is really fun! Taking PCs apart, messing with the motherboard and components, running through all of the BIOS and CMOS configuration. Good times. XD As for CS 21 things are going to be a bit hectic. I am in charge of about 50% of the things needed for my group's game. Mostly artwork and other misc. things. Anyways I'll post a link to the game once it's all complete. As for life at the apartment, things are going well. My roomies have started playing WoW and I couldn't resist but to start up my old account. Oh well XD In other news I'm hurting for money. x_x This ties into the gaining portion which I will get into in a minute. I'm on a strict "save money" policy because I have to pay rent and buy food and other things because I don't have work. I'll probably ask my roomie to see if his dad, whom he is also working for, needs another helping hand. Hopefully that goes through, or the job that I interviewed for calls saying I can show up for work. bleh x.x

Gaining related things are looking dim. I've tumbled downhill and can't get up. I've dropped all the way to 150 x.x THAT'S OVER 20LBS SINCE MOVING OUT, and with the way I am financially I can't afford to stuff myself and get going up the hill right now. It's very upsetting. I still want to reach 190, but I just can't do it without help. If I get this job I can probably start slowly...very slowly...working my way up, but it's so hard right now. I'm shriveling away. ALSO if I do work with my roomie, it's digging holes. In other words burning calories and losing even more weight. NO ME GUSTA!!!

Anyways, that's all I can write about right now since my other roomie is due back any minute. Eat up, for me, everyone.

Thanks for reading.

AUG 23, 2009

Ok well I have recently taken notice to someone in my life. However, what makes it so difficult is that this person is one of my roommates. IDK how they feel or if they even like me, and I can't be blunt about it and ask. Hopefully things will work out, and I can find out if they like me or not.

On the gaining scene, I've put on a little bit of weight but the scales still read 170/171. I talked to my main encourager and he might be coming to on a ski visit and we'll hang out together. And with the buffet near by me, we will see how stuffed I can get, and this will happen hopefully 1-2 times per day for about 5 days. That's 10 stuffing! O.O Hello 5lbs? Would be nice :D However, I am thinking that the stuffings should be so much that each time we go back for one I can eat more and more each time. :D A great time indeed.

Thanks for reading
-Justin

AUG 13.

Hey there. It's been quite a while since I've posted anything, so I'm here to bring you all an update. So first off personal things.

PERSONAL
Well just a few days ago, one of my friends got harmed, and I'm going to skip on the details for privacy issues but I had a hand in it by suggesting to him the idea that got him hurt. I talked to him about it and he doesn't blame me at all. In fact he's using what happened to help himself prevent anything similar in the future. Now even though he said I'm not at fault, I still feel responsible. I've talked to a few of my other friends and they say I'm being to hard on myself.

After all this I spent a night reflecting on how I've influenced others that I tried to cheer up when they were feeling down. And now that I look back on it, all my attempts have failed. I've either a) Worsened how they feel, or b) Pissed them off enough to make them stop talking to me. With those in mind I've been rather down lately about the entire thing, and I've thought about just leaving them in order to make the pain go away. One of my friends that I talk to every night is really concerned that this could blow up into a depression, unless I figure out a way to pull myself out of this. And with the way things look, it might just happen. -.-

I've just recently come across a song that really speaks to me. It's called "That's what you get - Paramore." The song talkes about how when we follow our heart is hurts others and ourselves. There is a line in there that makes me think. "That's what you get when you let your heart win." It hits he hard because I followed my heart when I try to help those I care about, and it just runs me to disaster.

I wanna give out a special thanks to those who I talk to on MSN, YIM, AIM, and all those for caring about me. It means a lot to me; it really does.

GAINING:
Well, not much going on gainer like. Just hanging out, trying to survive on the minimal amount of food we have in the apartment. Hopefully things will pick up soon. I did find a buffet locally though.



Thanks for reading
-Justin

July 20, 2009

Well after restating my new goal as 190, my donar from when I was going for 180 was eager and to my surprise very happy to make quite a contribution. And so I give him a great thanks. Thanks a lot man. It's great to have you helping out :D

Well as of the 35th of July, this SAT, I will be moving out with my friends to live down at an appartment right next to the college I will be attending in the fall. YAY! ^o^ My mom is of course afraid to let me go because she is like the worry version of Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond. GOD -o- *sigh* But with the move it should make my gain easier as a McDonalds is right down the street :D. I know it doesn't help my gaining but I plan on purchasing some rollerblades for communting myself to save on gas.

On another note, one of my favorite YIM buddies has started a blog of his own. Check him out @:
http://thechubbyitalian.blogspot.com
He's a really nice guy so please treat him accordingly. Plus in a sense he's my gaining rival O.o XP

On my gaining scene, I've kinda lost my burger crave, but that should change with the move since our diets will most likely consist of Top Ramen, Pizza, and Burgers. HURRAY!!!!

On a more personal level, I am still playing tennis, but not as frequently as I kinda want to; and my game is slightly improving as I'm working on a flat serve now since playing tennis for about 2 months :P I also started a job selling HQ cutlarry. Anyone in the SAC area want to set up an appointment to see me and possibly buy something? The money I made would go towards more food :D

Anyways I'm always up to reading comment, and requests. Heck if I get enough people commenting I might just make another video for youtube ;) Well, I'm off to finish eating and then schedule some more appointments for the week. I'll update again in a week or two :D