May 22, 2010

Well I've decided to find a place to rant...and well I kind of came back here; so if you guys don't mind I need to rant because times are tough, extremely tough, especially for me right now. (I'm not saying others are better or worse, just my position.)

Well in site of the current economy...especially in California right now, I've spent nearly a year applying to places and have yet to get any work. I NEED to find a job soon if not immediately. My family's house is on the verge of being foreclosed because the assholes screwed up some process my Dad was applying for to lower the mortgage or something. The guy said he needed two stubs...but when my Dad went to give him them he claimed that he said 4 stubs...so we got screwed there.

My Dad informed me that I would no longer have car insurance at the end of the month because we can't afford it and that I would need to find work so I can pay for my own insurance. So I've done everything I could in increase my applications and have been putting in more than usual. Just the other day I put in 10 paper applications to local businesses. I can't talk to the places I've applied for because I HAVE to speak to the manager because it looks better and actually does something rather than speaking to an employee.

AND on top of that I have to drop school so I can help my family. I don't know how long I have to drop it. Then to pile on more because I won't have car insurance at the end of the month I won't be able to visit my BF, and I can't consciously make him come out to me each time we want to see each other. I have yet to tell my BF how I'm feeling because I fear it would break his heart and I don't want to hurt him. I've only had a brief talk with him about it, but it was just me being sad, not depressed/suicidal.

I suppose lastly I've been having really depressing thoughts. Just today I had an image in my head; it was a Newspaper headline reading: "Economy Drives Teen to Suicide." I've been having really terrible thoughts lately...and it's completely unlike me. I've had suicidal thoughts and visions of what it would be like if I weren't here. It's...so very unlike me to be like this. But given my situation...I'm sure anyone would collapse under the pressure.

Well, thanks for reading my little rant; and if you didn't read it, I don't mind. I just needed a place to rant and get things off my chest.

Until next time hopefully. Take care everyone

Personal Blog

If anyone is interested in viewing my personal blog, here's the link:

http://LivingCA.blogspot.com

Done with it all...

As the title says, I'm done with it all. The melodrama...the gaining...and all the other stressful shit in my life. I'm finally free of it all.
So...to further elaborate...I'm going to tell a story. All names will be with held because if I were to use the person's name, it would sully their name...Like they tried to sully my name...and I'm not going to stoop to their level. BUT...anywho:

So I'm sick of this person's melodrama and bullshit. All they ever did to me was whine and complain about their crappy self esteem, their insecurities, and how lonely they are. They never could just contact me to have a normal conversation...NOPE! It had to be fucking drama. Then they confronted me because I was flirting with the person they wanted to be with; which I had no idea about and said I was sorry. Then...they try to go to friends of mine and tell them I'm trying to move in on their person. WHAT THE FUCK! It's total bullshit!!! I had no idea, and stopped. HOWEVER, I won't stop being friends with the person I was accidentally flirting with because this person was fucking jealous of my friendship with them. I did admit that I really liked the guy I was accidentally flirting with but I stopped it at me wanting them to be my "brother." So in the end I dropped the drama queen bitch, we no longer talk...and I will never be around to listen to their whiny ass again. HUZZAH!!
(Little back story...)(We had a fight a few months ago and I still wanted to be friends with the whiny guy...so we talked again and I tried to fix our friendship. HOWEVER, the whiny bastard didn't even put any effort in trying to fix our friendship.) Anyone who is too fucking insecure and has trust issues to try and help a friendship doesn't deserve any until they can sort out their own fucked up lives. (Sorry if I went off on a bit of a rant. XD Re-leaving penned up anger)

As for the gaining...it just isn't working out. I can't seem to put a damn ounce on...so I'm giving it up and just going to let it be. If I get skinny or fat...whatever.

I will do a blog post from time to time...but I may just make a personal blog if anyone is just interested in my life in general. Well...that's about it I guess.
Until next time...

Jan 28, 2010 Ideas for FEB

So...
Even though I've been eating a bit more than usual I'm still 155 =\ Very strange indeed; so not much going on there.

On the other hand I have a few things that I have planned. Me meeting my friend in SF fell through because my parents had me pay for my books, parking permit, and some tuition. I'm barely going to have enough to do what I want to do next. I want to get my ears pierced. Just the lobes, and am still thinking if I want to do 14g of 16g. I don't want anything to flashy. But any who the place I'm going to will cost me about $55. That includes the starting 16/18gs, the aftercare crap, and the piercing job. So I'm excited about that. I'm going to the place tomorrow (FRI) and have a look around and ask a few questions. Then sometime the next week I'll try to set up an appointment so I can get them pierced =].
On my last hand I noticed that my mom has a hair straightener that she never uses. So I jacked it and used it today. I can finally manage my hair!!! I love it. So I plan on doing it quickly tomorrow morning before class so I look all perdy :P
On my last, last hand (haha) IDK if it's just me being paranoid or wishful thinking... I am in a voice class and there is a guy in there, that I'm pretty sure is gay, and I think he might like me for whatever reason. I might just be hastily jumping to conclusions...but this is what happened on WED. I entered class and he was sitting where I usually sit. The past few days he sat elsewhere...and that spot was completely open. So... IDK if I'm just jumping here, but I think he might like me. I'll find out hopefully XD And to add more to it, when the prof asked us to come up and sing the song in front of the class (taking volunteers) when I went over to get in line, I noticed he was watching me, and when I passed him he said "someone's enthusiastic." I feel pretty strongly that he is gay...so... IDK What do you guys think?

Jan 22, 2010

So...
I've met a new friend via Facebook. We started chatting and...OMG! We have so much in common. We have the same likes and interests and also the same fears. He's told me that he feels that we are soul mates. I couldn't agree more. <3

On the gaining side, I'm starting to get a bit back into the swing of things. I've picked up more eating lately and currently am planning for 25. Which gets me back up to 180. Then...I am planning to most likely go for an additional 20...putting me at 200. Hopefully things work out and I can get back up there. I'd love any help anyone can offer me. I look forward to hearing you guys's encouraging thoughts

End of JAN plans

So...I'm finally getting past the tears of my break up, and now it's kind of settle as a bit of depression when I think about him; but I've got some things to look forward to when JAN reaches its end.

There are two possibilities to how it will play out.

1) I head out to San Francisco and stay in a hotel room with a very very special friend of mine. Then go to an anime convention with him the next day.

or

2) Me and my very very special friend get a hotel room half way between us. We will do things, then spend the night in a hotel together.

As for gaining I'm trying to get back into it. It'll be difficult getting back up my weight. Any encouragement and help is greatly appreciated. I checked my weight on an empty stomach and it was 154. Please help me out.

A poem

I just wrote this poem. When I get like this I tend to create some good poetry, but I feel like garbage while writing it. Here is one that I just wrote.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alone

I sit here alone,

in my tears,

I hear nothing,

nothing at all,

crying out loud,

no one to hear

my cry for help

my crying soul

You have a friend,

a helping shoulder,

A caring friend,

A caring soul

You feel much better,

you feel so happy,

You cheer up,

and go on laughing.

I sit here,

All alone,

No one but me,

I'm alone.